Blog Series: Realizing Abuse Was Trauma (potential trigger)

Author: Me

I have a tendency to not view my experiences and abuse from my mother as trauma, but I know that that's what it was.  Trauma is defined as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience, and that is what I experienced for many years.

My mother began emotionally abusing me around the age of 6, when she and my dad were going through a bitter divorce.  My mother was so deeply hurt and she took it out on me, and only me.  I always wanted to be with my dad, but my older sister and I only got to see him on Wednesday nights and every other weekend.  I was always upset about that, and my mother wanted me to hate my dad because he cheated on her and went on to marry his mistress.  My mother hated them, and she would get angry with me because I wanted to be with my dad and step mom.  I think that I reminded my mother a lot of my dad, and she hated him, so therefore, she hated me.

Her abuse was very subtle, to the point where I didn't even want to call it abuse for a very long time.  She used guilt, manipulation, and brain-washing to get me to do her bidding, which was mainly to live with her and hate my dad.  I hated living with her and went to live with my dad's family a couple of times throughout my growing up years, and she used massive guilt to get me to move back.  Every. Single. Time.  

She always wanted to fool herself into thinking that she had a close relationship with all of her children- two biological daughters and three stepdaughters.  She was and has always been all about appearances, and I'm not into that at all, mostly due to her.

I believe with everything that is in me that my mother's abuse created negative coping skills within me, and that she made it possible for the mental illnesses that were already in me to come out.  I tried to end my life at age 14 because I kept all of her abuse inside and that led to depression.  I was diagnosed with Major Depression at the hospital, but when I tried to tell the doctors and nurses that it was my mother who was abusing me, they just said that I had a chemical imbalance.  And, like with everything that didn't sit well with her, my mother simply swept my illness under the rug and pretended like I was fine. Except I was dying inside.

I got through high school, and graduated from a community college, but when I went away to a four-year school, everything fell apart. I could not cope with anything, and, over the course of many years, I tried to kill myself many times, was hospitalized many times, and began self-injuring.  

After a major suicide attempt at age 24, I was sent to live in a group home for people with serious mental illness.  I hated it and felt like my family had abandoned me there.  I hated life and didn't want to live at all, and so I lived there for more than two years.  While living at the group home, I was correctly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder.  I truly believe that I developed these disorders directly because of my mother's abuse.  I did not have good coping skills, or self-esteem, and developed very harmful ways of dealing with life.  The abuse was the worst thing I have ever experienced as far as trauma goes.

After another serious suicide attempt, I was sitting on a psych unit, and I was praying that I would have some reason to live, because I had none.  All of a sudden, I heard God say "You're worth it to me and I love you."  In that moment, I knew I would be okay.  I called my dad and told him that I was going to be okay.  

After that healing thing happened, I was able to stop self-injuring, I moved out of the group home, and got an apartment with my housing voucher.  My disability payments started coming through, so I was able to live a pretty good life and support myself in my apartment.  I even went back to school and completed my Bachelor's Degree in Psychology.  I was doing okay, but still in contact with my mother, so the abuse continued, although it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been growing up.  But, her abuse was so ingrained in me that I didn't want to be around her, but couldn't cut off communication because she still had me within her grasp.

In 2007, I met my amazing and accepting wife and she gave me the courage to cut off contact with my mother.  And it was the best thing I have ever done for myself!  I only rarely email her now, and that has worked out very well for me.  It has been almost 7 years that I have had very little contact with my mother, and in those 7 years, I have been able to heal leaps and bounds!  I am no longer subject to immense guilt, manipulation, or brain-washing. I am free to live life on my own terms without worrying about my mother or what she thinks.  

I also wanted to mention a book that I have read that is called Toxic Mom Toolkit.  It is all about toxic moms and how to deal with them, and it has helped me to realize that emotional abuse is trauma.  I used to think that because I wasn't physically or sexually abused, or because I don't have PTSD, I couldn't claim that what I went through was trauma.  After reading that book, I now realize that emotional abuse is trauma.  

In conclusion, I am currently living well with all of my illnesses, and have been for several years.  I am a volunteer with NAMI Baltimore and that has been life changing.  I've been in therapy for over 8 years, been seeing a psychiatrist for over 6 years, and I've been stable on meds for 5 years.  I've talked through my trauma a lot and continue to talk about it and how it still affects me with my therapist.  I have healed a lot and continue to heal every day.