As you all know, I am gay. I have a wife and two fur-sons that are my world. I've known I was gay since I was 19 years old, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. I had grown up going to church, thinking that being gay was wrong and a sin, and around the time I realized that I was gay, I started going to a very conservative church. This church also led me to believe that being gay was wrong and some of friends who knew of my secret would "help" me by "praying the gay away". That never works.
I also believe that my mental illness led me to tell my family I was gay and then ten minutes later, call them back and tell them that I definitely was not gay. I have Bipolar, Anxiety, and Borderline Personality Disorder, and they have caused me to suffer a lot knowing I am gay. I don't suffer anymore, though. In fact, I am so in love with my wife and I love our life together! But, I have suffered because of the things my illnesses would tell me about myself when I was coming to terms with being gay.
I used to literally wake up in the morning with the worst anxiety I could ever imagine. It's the worst anxiety I've ever had in my life. I would go from my bed to the couch and just lay there and moan because I was in so much pain. I didn't even have words to describe how I was feeling then, so the moaning was the only thing I could do. I would have stomach problems, I couldn't eat, I would dry heave a lot, and sometimes I actually would throw up. I would always think to myself "How could I be like this?" "I am going to hell" "I am a terrible person to want to be with another woman". And these were the not-so-bad thoughts.
I remember going to a local vacation spot here in Maryland with my wife and, on the Boardwalk, there would always be somebody holding a bible and preaching about sinners turning to God. As we would walk past those people, I would always get tons of anxiety and be unsure of everything. That was horrible. The anxiety was definitely the worst, but I believe that the Bipolar and BPD were also in play.
The BPD made it hard for me to be okay with being gay because I just wasn't sure who I was. I thought I was making it up sometimes, because I didn't know who I was (lack of self-identity is one of the big symptoms of BPD), and I believe it's what led me to vacillate between telling myself and my family that I was gay. I mean, I really knew deep down inside, but I was scared. Really scared.
The mood swings from the Bipolar didn't help out with any of this either.
When I met my wife, things were not good for a long while. I now knew that I had to come out as gay because I loved my wife and knew that we were going to be together forever. However, I was still very anxious, and my anxiety caused me to break up with her many times. I'm glad she kept coming back and loving me through it all. (I will talk more about this in "Love and Marriage").
It took a lot of hard work, but I am glad that I'm gay now. I know that as I began to get better with my illnesses, I got better with being okay with being gay, and visa versa. As my anxiety lessened in general, I began to feel happy about being gay and being able to spend the rest of my life with my amazing wife. I'm glad that my wife and I have been married for more than 6 years.
I am the happiest and healthiest I've ever been in my whole life. But, it was scary at times, dealing with having mental illness and being gay. I'm so thankful that now I am okay and actually happy that I am gay.
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