Author: Sydney Palmer
Bio: Sydney Palmer is a soon-to-be graduate majoring in Deaf Studies. She hopes to one day be an American Sign Language interpreter, and enjoys writing about her own experiences from time-to-time. Her interests include Lady Gaga, elephants, flowers, and daydreaming.
Unfortunately, the world we live in is gendered. Now, this wouldn’t be a problem if we didn’t place more value on one gender over another in various situations; however, that is exactly what society tends to do. Whether individuals in society like to admit it or not, we all hold stereotypes to be true, and we all discriminate based upon gender. This gender discrimination invariably crosses over into the medical field. Case in point, the over-diagnosis of boys and men with ADHD, compared to the under-diagnosis of the same disability in girls and women. This happens because boys tend to show the “hyperactive” part of ADHD like not sitting still, blurting out answers, and not finishing homework; while girls tend to be daydreamers, incessant talkers, and procrastinators but perfectionists. Girls and women who go undiagnosed with ADHD tend to have lower self-esteem and higher rates of depression. As a woman who was late-diagnosed, I wonder frequently how much different my life would be had I been diagnosed sooner.
The first point I want to bring up is that ADHD does not just mean that I lose focus easily. Yes, that is a huge part of my disability, but it is not the only symptom. ADHD, like most other disabilities has a stigma around it. So, when ADHD is being discussed on Facebook or the like, commonly there is a user who comments, “Look, we all lose focus sometimes. You just need to learn how to focus your attention more successfully.” Whenever I read something like that, I want to comment back, “Wow! Why didn’t I think of that before?! Thank you, random stranger on the internet! You’ve solved my lifelong struggle! All I had to do was learn to focus!!”
Yes, everyone loses focus sometimes, I’m not denying that. It’s a different story though, when you’re incredibly interested in what someone has to say and yet you still find yourself daydreaming. Also, if I cold just “make myself focus” don’t you think I’d have done so instead of struggling through school my entire life? When the symptoms of ADHD get reduced down into, “Just focus more,” or, “You know, if you worked out more you’d be able to focus,” or, “Look, if you just did X, Y, and Z you wouldn’t have a problem,” it makes me feel like I’m not trying hard enough, like I’m inadequate and doing something wrong; something I’ve felt my entire life because of my disability.
Besides, ADHD is not just losing focus; there are many more symptoms than that. It’s interrupting your friends accidentally because you know if you don’t say what you’re thinking right now you’re going to lose it. It’s forgetting what you’re talking about while you’re talking about it. It’s not being able to keep your room straight no matter how hard you try. It’s about losing everything you have all the time. It’s never being able to turn off your brain. ADHD is so much more than being bored and losing focus. It’s something that affects every aspect of my life.
I was diagnosed with ADHD two years ago, when I was 20. Growing up, in elementary and middle school, I was always an A or B student. I got one C in 7th grade, but otherwise I did pretty okay. The funny thing about people with ADHD is that we tend to be incredibly smart, just unable to focus those smarts on the things we need to. So, when school was a little less daunting, the subjects easier, and studying not as necessary, I did well. I definitely could have done better, but I wasn’t anywhere near failing so the ADHD went unnoticed.
It was a different story in high school, however. High school was torture for me. I went to one of the best, if not the best, public high schools in Maryland. Expectations for success were incredibly high, and soon on I began to feel incredibly inadequate. The friends that I had were all the “smart” people in the school; the ones who graduated in the top 10 of our class. Igraduated 115 in a class of 300. Not terrible but not good, and God, did that make me feel stupid. High school became the place where being able to study for a couple hours a day was expected, but I could barely finish the required homework I was given. I knew that if I made myself sit down and actually study, I would give up within an hour. If I didn’t give up, I would be crying from frustration within two hours. I pulled B’s and C’s in high school, which did nothing but lower my self-esteem. My friends could get A’s without studying, without trying; here I was struggling just to keep my head above water in the same classes.
Receiving low grades was not the worst thing about high school for me, however. Around junior year, my Bipolar Disorder decided to rear its ugly head, and I became very depressed. All I can remember thinking back then was, “I’m so ugly, and worse, I’m so very, very stupid.” It is common for women with undiagnosed ADHD to become very depressed, because of the already established low self-esteem, need for perfectionism, and difficulty retaining friendships. Looking back, I now see that my depression was a double-whammy of both bipolar and ADHD.
Now I understand why my depression got so very bad. I’m a smart person, I really am. Being smart was the only thing that saved me, the only thing that kept me from failing. But when every single subject (minus art) seems to be four times as difficult for you as it is for your friends, when they can study for six hours straight and you can’t, when they’re top of the class and you’re in the middle, it’s hard not to feel stupid. It’s hard to not beat yourself up. Every time my friends did better than me, which was often, my self-esteem took a hit. It’s not surprising that I fell deeper into the pit of depression with every C I got.
Once my depression lifted, thanks to various anti-depressant medications, I began to feel somewhat better. However, having bipolar disorder meant that I would soon go into mania. Symptoms of mania include recklessness in all areas of life including driving, drug use, and promiscuity; loss of control and rational thought; excessive confidence; debilitating anxiety; and impulsivity. I like to think that my ADHD exacerbated all areas of my bipolar disorder. People with ADHD already tend to be impulsive and anxious. Throw that on top of a manic episode, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. I’ve done many, many things that I regret immensely while manic. If I hadn’t had ADHD to exacerbate my impulsivity, my reckless behavior, my promiscuity, how much less would I regret today? How much better would my emotional state be if I hadn’t hurt myself under the manic guise of “being a free spirit”?
So here I am two years later. I’m properly medicated for both my ADHD and Bipolar Disorder, and yet it’s hard for me not to feel robbed. Robbed of sanity, of happiness, of achievement, of success, of self-esteem. I spent the majority of my life, minus two years, thinking that I was stupid; when in reality I just had a learning disability. I find myself resentful; resentful of my parents who never seemed to notice my struggle, even though doing homework brought me to tears often (cause that’s normal, right?), resentful of teachers who maybe just thought I wasn’t trying hard enough, resentful of doctors who just wanted to feed me depression medicines without actually getting to know me or the causes of my depression. Being resentful doesn’t solve any problem and I know this, but it’s difficult not to be. I’ve seen myself through the lens of suicidal depression; I have completely and utterly loathed myself. It’s difficult to come back from that.
However, I think who I resent the most is society. I don’t believe whatsoever that all females who have ADHD are born naturally less hyperactive or are born daydreamers. From the moment we are born, society labels those of us who own vaginas as docile and quiet. We are told constantly while growing up to “act like a young lady.” We are taught to sit still, to shut up, and to just get it done, because that’s how young ladies do it. Is it shocking at all that in a society that tells us we are less than men, we aren’t as smart or as capable as men, we can’t handle as much as men, that we women who have ADHD internalize the disability? Does it shock anyone that men get over-diagnosed with ADHD; that they are allowed to have an excuse for their impulsive, reckless behavior while women are not afforded the same?
In conclusion, ADHD is a difficult disability to live with, not only for the obvious reasons, but for the not-so obvious ones as well. We as a society, need to start valuing girls’ and young women’s education, self-esteem, and lives just as much as we value boys’ and men’s. As I’ve shown, ADHD is so much more than just a focusing issue. Depending on the person, it can be a matter of life and death. It’s time to start taking it seriously and help those who fall victim to it lead healthy, fulfilling lives.
No comments:
Post a Comment