I feel very shaky. My arms feel super shaky and my hands feel like I should not be holding anything because I will drop it. My hands are also very fidgety. I can't keep them still, and so typing this on my phone actually is giving my hands something to do. But, if I were not typing this, I would be wringing my hands, playing with them, or playing with the bracelet that is in my right wrist. (It says "My story isn't over yet ; " and I wear it as part of the Semicolon Project.). I do it all the time when I'm hypo-manic and don't even realize that I'm doing it. It is just natural. I also am constantly fidgeting my face. Not playing with it or fidgeting WITH it, but just making faces, I guess you could say. Moving my eyebrows, forehead, mouth, nose. I literally just cannot help it and I don't like that I do it.
My mind is racing with thoughts, but it can't stop on one thought, so I really don't even know what I'm thinking. I couldn't even focus on what my wife was saying at lunch, and I was constantly looking around. I would look above her head, or at the tv that was on in the restaurant. There was a lot of stimuli and my head was spinning. I was desperately trying to listen to my wife, but I couldn't really remember what she was saying.
I get easily upset when I am hypo-manic, too. My wife usually just doesn't say anything and gives me space because anything could set me off to pick a fight with her. Usually I start out talking really fast and can't stop to focus on any one thought so it's hard to keep up with me a lot of times. Usually I only do this at first, and that is what happened today. That is how my wife knows that I am hypo-manic. Usually I will say that I am hypo-manic and she will say "I know" or "I thought so" or "yeah, you're acting like you are". She usually knows from my behavior that I am even before I tell her.
I don't have ADD, but I think that being hypo-manic probably feels much the same as it does. But, I don't know because I don't have ADD. Luckily, I usually only am hypo-manic once in a while. It is not a pleasant feeling at all. I don't like the anxiety, the racing thoughts, the not being able to focus, and I don't think it makes me more creative in the least. I hate it and usually I just try to lay low, watch tv, play on my phone, and just wait for it to pass. Usually it only happens at night, or in the evening, so I can just lay down for bed and try to sleep. Obviously, I never can sleep, but I'll lay in bed with my eyes open for three hours or so and just try to calm down. And, usually my eyes just become so tired, and my brain so tired of the racing thoughts, that I will just fall asleep after a few hours.
I try not to be around people if I can help it. I know what I'm acting like, and that I can't pay attention, so I just try to not talk and just stay by myself. It's better that way, for everyone involved.
Being hypo-manic is no fun for me. I hate it. But, usually in the morning, I will wake up feeling okay, albeit quite tired, but okay.
So, that's what being actively hypo-manic is like for me. I am hypo-manic right now, and so I decided to write about it while it is happening. I hope it helps people to understand that I'm not trying to be like this. In fact, I am trying to NOT be like this. I hope that this helps you understand a little more about it and how it really feels.
