Blog Series Guest Post: What It's Like To Be Pulled in Two Directions

Author: Kay E.

When I’m having a bad time with my depression:

All I want to do is sleep. I’m drained of all my energy, and my body shuts down, not allowing me to want to eat, move, laugh, or even cry. My motivation to do the things I love disappears. I have to try incredibly hard every day to force myself out of bed and be productive. It’s as if someone came and took my soul away while I was asleep- everything that I know makes me who I am seems to vanish, leaving an empty shell.

When my anxiety flares up:

Everything feels like it’s moving too fast. Every task I’ve committed to doing must get done as soon and efficiently as possible— even if it’s something minor, or I have ample time to do. Because I have a bad history with not being able to say no when I’m needed, this leaves me with no time to sleep, eat, socialize, or take time to do any of the hobbies I love. If I’m not doing anything to contribute to my to-do list for more than five minutes, I panic. I begin to feel like I can’t breathe, and my body begins to shake.

When the two show up together:

I constantly feel like I should be screaming. I sleep for hours on end only to wake up and be flung into such a panic that I exhaust myself again. Projects, assignments, and meals are all started but not finished. My mind races, screaming at me to get things done. My body doesn’t let me. I go into an almost constant, silent state of panic. When I’m only dealing with anxiety, my panic attacks usually involve a few hours of chest pains, shaking, crying, uncontrollable scratching, and labored breathing. When my depression is thrown into the mix, however, the attacks are more drawn out, lasting for days, and are mostly silent. I can still function (more or less), but I become irritable, my body is constantly rigid and usually shaky. It constantly feels like I want to break down and cry, but I physically can’t until it’s over. 

These times are incredibly difficult to manage, and in the past, have even driven me to turn to self-harm.  But I am here, I am alive, and for that I am fortunate. I work towards getting better every day, and because of the wonderful people I surround myself with, I always know deep down there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.