Blog Series Guest Post: How Trauma Has Affected My Life (potential trigger)

Author: Jenn H

Being diagnosed with a mental illness changed my life. Even before the actual “labels”, I had been having symptoms for years. Thoughts of suicide and self-harm had been there since I was a teenager. Ever since I was little, I had had “others” helping me to get through the rough times. Later, I would learn that these were Self-states, each of whom had their own story to tell. Their own part in a life that had been filled with turmoil.

Until being diagnosed, I looked like everyone else around me. Honor society, Dean’s list, a fiancée, college, a house, and eventually kids. My self-harm was brushed off as me just going through a rough patch. Things from the outside were going well and our family was an active part of the community.

Enter the day that everything crumbled around me. The day when I went to the ER not knowing if I wanted to harm myself or my kids. A day that would forever change my life and lead me into a world with its own vocabulary. That night, I was committed because I could not promise to be safe. Finally, I was sent to a mental health unit where I fought every bit of help offered. Soon, I made a list of what had happened to me. A list that I thought was normal. A doctor came to me and told me that I needed to be on a special unit. That was the first time that I heard the word trauma.

Soon, I was on a trauma unit. As I listened to the other patients, I realized that I could relate to what they were going through. I also had nightmares and was easily startled. There were times that I had had flashbacks or points where I relived the past in vivid detail. There were times that I found myself finding things in the house that I did not remember buying or even parts of days that I could not remember. Huge black holes of time filled memories from my childhood. Where had all of those times gone?

Treatment was and has been hard. There are medications that I can take and are effective for the depression and anxiety. There are no medications to get rid of the memories or the nightmares. I had to learn to trust my treatment team and the coping skills that I had learned. For me, that took years and at times I still struggle.

Today, I consider my mental illness a part of me like my eye or hair color. I am active in a mental health organization where I tell my story and help others to understand mental illnesses. After a lot of therapy, I have gone back to school part time. Although, it is still difficult to be around crowds and loud noises. I have even gone back to dancing, a passion of mine ever since I can remember. Over time, I have learned about my self-states and techniques that I can use to have parts out and not be so affected. There are still bad days and days that I just need to rest, yet I have a LIFE back.