Many people don't understand what it's like to FINALLY feel normal after so many years of being sick, suicidal, not comfortable in my own skin, anxious, freaking out all the time, and depressed or hypomanic every second of the day. And I DO mean every second of the day.
It was torture, truly. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
About three years ago, I started to feel better. I had been married to my wife for two and a half years at that point, and was totally and truly okay with myself being a lesbian and happy in my relationship with her. We had come a long way since the beginning of when we first started dating. Our marriage was so much better than it had been and I was so happy about that.
The first thing that really helped was that the medication I was on really worked, and then I decided to go on a meditation retreat. I had seen a documentary about Vipassana Meditation on the Oprah Winfrey Network and I knew it was something I wanted to try. I found a center about an hour from my house and signed up to go for ten days in June of 2012. It was rigorous, but it was only sitting and meditating and I was allowed to go at my own pace.
I only stayed for 8 days, but it was great! When I came home, I felt so much better, like my head wasn't buzzing as much and my thoughts weren't racing anymore. I was able to focus better. It was amazing.
Then, I took up running. I started out slow, with just a training program of couch to 5k and that helped me so much, too. I eventually got to where I was able to run/ walk a half marathon (13.1 miles) and eventually ran 8 of them in about two years time. The serotonin and endorphins that were released when I ran really helped me have better, more stable moods.
In August of 2014, I was feeling so much better that I decided to volunteer with NAMI with the In Our Own Voice program. I go to various places like colleges and hospitals and give presentations of how I am living well with Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder.
During these years, I was in therapy, taking my meds responsibly, and had decided to stop communicating with my toxic family, and I have been getting better every single day since 2012.
It was not easy, and I had to stop working outside of the house to do it, but I am living well now. It took a lot of work, and my wife has been by my side the whole time.
When I say that I've been there in my presentations, or just to people in general, I really mean it. I've been to hell and made it back. It was totally worth it, too.
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