Rest In Peace, Tommy

I haven't talked to my family, except my sister via Facebook messenger, and my mother via email, in six years.  On Tuesday, my sister sent me a message that my cousin, Tommy, took his own life early that morning.  She wanted to let me know, and she told me that he wrote his last words on his Facebook page. I saw that it was public, so I read it.  He was 32 years old.  A veteran of Afghanistan.  He suffered with mental illness, namely severe depression and substance abuse, for many years.  I had thought that he was better now.  That is the last I had heard about him.  I didn't have any reason to think otherwise.  

Mental illness runs in my family on my mother's side.  Tommy was my mother's brother's son.  His father, my uncle, struggled with alcoholism for many years, but got well and has been living a wonderful life for a very long time.  Until now.  Tommy's services are today, and I can't even imagine the heartbreak that my uncle and his family are going through right now.   

In my family, it was always me who was really struggling with mental illness. I attempted to kill myself about five times.  Now that I am well, I am so glad that I did not succeed any of those times.  I understand what it's like to be suicidal, to think that the only way out is to end your life.  He said in his final words that he was sorry to anyone he had hurt.  He said that he didn't want to hurt anyone anymore.  The thing is, he never hurt anyone so much that they couldn't forgive him.  He was a great guy.  He didn't hurt anyone so much that he needed to take his own life.  He also said that he wanted to stop hurting himself, and that he was severely depressed and could not conquer substance abuse.  I believe that he just didn't want to hurt anymore, and that's why he took his own life.  

And, although I am far removed from the situation, it hurts because I totally get all of it, and I am probably the only person in my family who truly gets it.  But my family knows what it's like to be on the other side of a suicidal person.

I feel terrible for my uncle and his family, and I feel bad for my own mother.  No, I don't talk to her much anymore, but she and I both know that she could have been in this same situation years ago when I was trying to end my own life.  She could have been the grieving parent that my uncle and aunt and Tommy's mom are now.

There are no words to express how sorry I am to my family.  And even if I could come up with some, my family wouldn't be helped by them.  I haven't talked with them in so long.

I can only say that I completely understand why you chose to end your life, Tommy.  I wish you hadn't done it, because you were such a great guy and you had so much to live for.  You are indeed loved by many, including me.

I want to end by saying that if you are struggling and think that ending your life is the only way out, PLEASE get some help!  The National Suicide Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. They have compassionate, trained volunteers who will not judge you, but will offer you support and help!  Or call someone, anyone, who can help you.  In the comments of Tommy's suicide post, there were tons of people who offered to help him and talk to him.  

Rest in peace, Thomas Ladd.