Loving Life and then...

I wrote this today for The Mighty, but then decided to start blogging again :). So here is the post that was intended for The Mighty... (I hope you stick with me as I navigate the blogging world again...)

I've been doing well- really well.  I've been feeling good and have been my happiest and healthiest self for a long time now.  And I've been loving every moment of it!  I am doing In Our Own Voice presentations, and while I didn't do any in March, I have two scheduled for April.  And that makes me so happy because I get to share my story with people who are struggling with mental illness, know someone who is, or who are in school to work with those people.  It truly is my honor and privilege to give people hope and help. And it really is! I love it!
And, just this month, I started volunteering with the SPCA in surgery and I love every minute of it! It's been my dream to be in the medical field and I get to do that with the SPCA.
So, it has come as quite a big surprise to me that I am now living in the shadows of depression, even if it is a mild one.  It sucks and I hate every moment of it. When I say mild, I mean that thoughts of suicide are no longer part of my depressions.  Thank God for that.  And when I say mild, I mean that I feel like crap- very tired, no energy, don't want to eat, nauseous sometimes, don't want to do anything except lay down and watch tv, feeling hollow in my chest, and sometimes my whole body hurts.  I ask my wife every five minutes if she's mad at me, why am I going through this, why am I so upset and how can I feel better.  She always replies that she's not mad at me, she hates that I'm going through this and if she could take it away, she would.  She loves me and I just have to ride it out.  And I know she's right, but I just HAVE to ask the questions to feel better.  But I don't until the depression rides itself out and I wake up feeling like my normal self.  And again, that's mild.  I used to suffer from everything I just mentioned on a much worse scale, plus twenty other symptoms, including suicidality.
My depressions now are few and far between, but still do happen.  Like, I have been doing great for about three months now with even moods and happy thoughts.  That is a god-send, I must say.  Because depression, even mild ones, are still extremely hard to get through, and often I forget that I always get through them, so my wife has to remind me.  Every. Single. Time.
So, this is just what happens, but it still sucks when it does.  I don't like having Bipolar because of the depressions, but I can't hate it because it has made me the strong, fierce person I am today.  I will get through it, I know.