(This is my letter to my illnesses, as posted on The Mighty.)
Dear mental illnesses,
You almost took my life. Several times. I wanted to leave this world because of you, Depression. You, Bipolar Disorder, made me feel like crap because you caused my moods to shift so violently that I would be happy and on top of the world in the morning and suicidal by night.
You made me feel like I couldn't handle you, because your control would cause me to believe that I was a piece of trash, unworthy of love and happiness. I believed you for a long time- too long.
Borderline Personality Disorder, you were such a horrible nemesis that, for so long, I didn't even want to admit that I had you. I hated you and what you made me feel and do. You created so much anger in me and I couldn't deal with it until a couple of years ago. You made me feel worthless, fearful, hopeless, dangerous and suicidal. I was out of control and loud and I did not want to listen to anyone or try to do well. I couldn't. You warped my whole identity and made me feel like less of a person. I never thought I could overcome you because I never admitted I had you, until a few years ago.
Anxiety, you told me that I would never be happy with another woman. You would wake me up in a panic nearly every morning with thoughts of wanting to kill myself because of who I am. You screamed at me that God would never love me if I loved my soul mate. I couldn't eat. I felt nauseous and sick because of you overwhelming my thoughts and body with your lies. You had such a grip on me that I was sick to the very core of my being simply for being me.
But when I met her, my whole life changed. She loves me like no one else ever has or ever could. Thanks to her love, and the help of the people I let into my life, I am no longer just surviving, I am thriving.
You all still linger and I will always have to keep you at bay and remember to take care of myself, but I am handling all of you far better than I ever thought possible. I have learned that love truly does conquer all. I have learned that you will not defeat me. You will no longer tell me that I am unworthy or hopeless.
I know now that I can have hope. I DO have hope. I am living well with all of you! I am happy and healthy now and I do not wish you well. I will do whatever I need to do to make sure you are out of my life for good. I will win!
Sincerely not yours,
Megan
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