What it's like to be actively hypo-manic

I am very hypo-manic right now, so I thought I'd write down how it feels to people who have never experienced it before but would like to know.  It feels weird.  I have a ton of anxiety over absolutely nothing at all.  I just went out to lunch with my wife and ordered a small salad and could not even finish it because my appetite was immediately turned off.  I had to literally force myself to chew and swallow the food, and finally I just gave up and stopped eating it.  This always happens when I am hypo-manic.  I have such bad anxiety that food doesn't even taste good.  In fact, a lot of times when I'm hypo-manic, food smells terrible and makes my stomach turn.  This is what happens when I have regular anxiety without hypomania, too.

I feel very shaky.  My arms feel super shaky and my hands feel like I should not be holding anything because I will drop it.  My hands are also very fidgety. I can't keep them still, and so typing this on my phone actually is giving my hands something to do.  But, if I were not typing this, I would be wringing my hands, playing with them, or playing with the bracelet that is in my right wrist.  (It says "My story isn't over yet ; " and I wear it as part of the Semicolon Project.). I do it all the time when I'm hypo-manic and don't even realize that I'm doing it.  It is just natural.  I also am constantly fidgeting my face.  Not playing with it or fidgeting WITH it, but just making faces, I guess you could say.  Moving my eyebrows, forehead, mouth, nose.  I literally just cannot help it and I don't like that I do it.

My mind is racing with thoughts, but it can't stop on one thought, so I really don't even know what I'm thinking.  I couldn't even focus on what my wife was saying at lunch, and I was constantly looking around. I would look above her head, or at the tv that was on in the restaurant.  There was a lot of stimuli and my head was spinning.  I was desperately trying to listen to my wife, but I couldn't really remember what she was saying.  

I get easily upset when I am hypo-manic, too.  My wife usually just doesn't say anything and gives me space because anything could set me off to pick a fight with her.  Usually I start out talking really fast and can't stop to focus on any one thought so it's hard to keep up with me a lot of times.  Usually I only do this at first, and that is what happened today.  That is how my wife knows that I am hypo-manic.  Usually I will say that I am hypo-manic and she will say "I know" or "I thought so" or "yeah, you're acting like you are".  She usually knows from my behavior that I am even before I tell her.  

I don't have ADD, but I think that being hypo-manic probably feels much the same as it does.  But, I don't know because I don't have ADD.  Luckily, I usually only am hypo-manic once in a while.  It is not a pleasant feeling at all.  I don't like the anxiety, the racing thoughts, the not being able to focus, and I don't think it makes me more creative in the least.  I hate it and usually I just try to lay low, watch tv, play on my phone, and just wait for it to pass.  Usually it only happens at night, or in the evening, so I can just lay down for bed and try to sleep. Obviously, I never can sleep, but I'll lay in bed with my eyes open for three hours or so and just try to calm down.  And, usually my eyes just become so tired, and my brain so tired of the racing thoughts, that I will just fall asleep after a few hours.

I try not to be around people if I can help it.  I know what I'm acting like, and that I can't pay attention, so I just try to not talk and just stay by myself.  It's better that way, for everyone involved.

Being hypo-manic is no fun for me.  I hate it.  But, usually in the morning, I will wake up feeling okay, albeit quite tired, but okay.  

So, that's what being actively hypo-manic is like for me. I am hypo-manic right now, and so I decided to write about it while it is happening.  I hope it helps people to understand that I'm not trying to be like this. In fact, I am trying to NOT be like this.  I hope that this helps you understand a little more about it and how it really feels.

Jogging 4 Journals Campaign 2016 (and more)

In 2016, I really want my thoughts, words, and actions to be that of helping people with mental illness.  I have lived most of my life with mental illness, and it is only in the last couple of years that I have begun living well with it.  My goal in 2016 is to help others live well, too.  I believe that the best way to do that is by focusing on these three avenues.

1. Jogging 4 Journals.  Beginning on New Year's Day, I will be running one 5k every month for a campaign that I am calling Jogging 4 Journals.  With each race that I run, I will be asking friends, family, and anyone else who desires to help those with mental illness to donate whatever they can to my campaign.  With the money I receive, I will be buying journals and a label (to write a loving message on and place inside the journal) and gifting them to patients at my local hospital's inpatient Mental Health Unit. I chose a journal because, when dealing with a mental illness, it is usually helpful to write down your thoughts and feelings, any treatment that you feel is working or needs to be changed, and anything you need to remember.  I also chose a journal because it is an inexpensive, yet helpful and practical gift. 

1 journal: $.52 - $.79

1 label: $.10

Helping a person with a mental illness feel better about being hospitalized: PRICELESS!!

My goal is to gift 30 journals a month, since there are 30 beds on the unit.  Since it costs less than $1 to gift one journal, if I get $30 in donations every month, I will meet my goal!  

To help, please consider donating to Jogging 4 Journals, and/ or joining me by running with me or on your own for those struggling with mental illness. My donation page is www.gofundme.com/jogging4journals (at the end of this post, there is a "clickable" link to the fundraising page). 

2. In Our Own Voice presentations.  I have been working with NAMI Baltimore for over two years now, off and on, doing In Our Own Voice presentations.  In 2016, I will be giving several each month to patients at my local hospital's inpatient Mental Health Unit, where I will also be gifting the journals.  An In Our Own Voice presentation is when another presenter and I show a DVD about people who live well with their illnesses, and talk about how we live well with ours.  Each presentation is made up of five parts, and we are trained in how to effectively share our story.  There is an opportunity to ask questions after every part.  Once a month, I will be giving a presentation and then handing out the journals to the patients.

3.  Mental Health First Aid (MHFA).  In 2016, I will be taking three MHFA classes, Senior, Youth, and Adult.  Each class is eight hours long and each will teach me many different skills for helping people with mental illness who are in crisis.  I will learn the warning signs of addiction and mental illness, a 5-step action plan to assess a situation and help, the impact of mental illness, and resources that can help someone in a mental health crisis.  I will be trained to help anyone with a mental illness.

I'm really excited to be able to help all kinds of people with mental illness in 2016!  It is my true passion in life!

www.gofundme.com/jogging4journals

Stop blaming, Start fixing

There have been 355 mass shootings this year.  That's almost one for every day of the year.  It's got to stop.  But, you know what won't stop it?  Blame. Blame on those with mental illness.  When a shooting happens in this country, the first people to go down are people like me, those with mental illness.  

Blame doesn't help anyone and it certainly does not fix our mental health system, which needs to be done.  America's mental health "system" is anything but.  It doesn't work, and hasn't for a long time.  There is not basic access to life-saving treatment, and, when there is, the cost of such treatment is often so high that the person cannot get the help they need.  

I don't understand why those in authority, namely politicians, just don't get it.  They are the first to blame these attacks on the person having a mental illness, even when sometimes we don't even know yet.  And, if the person does have or did have a mental illness, does that tell you anything? It should.  It should tell you that you need to stop the "blame game" and actually fix our current system of providing for the country's mental health needs.  That is the only logical conclusion to come to.  

This country's mental health needs are many, so it will be difficult to begin to fix the system, but it is something that needs to be done.  Also, do we have any wonder why there is so much stigma surrounding mental illness?  When mass shootings happen, everyone blames it on the person having a mental illness.  The vast majority of us are not violent, but rather will be the victims of a violent act in our lifetimes.  People are scared of others with mental illness, and when you blame shootings on us, it just perpetuates the stigma that we are bad and people fear us more.  

So, how about we actually listen to what those with mental illness have been saying for decades: Fix the system.  End the stigma. Treat mental illness like any other illness and stop the blame.

Truly thankful

Yesterday I was at my new therapist's office (in her house), meeting her for only the second time.  I had been with my other, now retired, therapist for eight years.  I sat there telling this new person all about my life, what I've been through and how I'm recovering now.  She asked me questions to get me talking (not like I need help with that...I am quite the talker), going from topic to topic, and I readily told her anything she wanted to know.  She is getting to know me, after all. 

I realized in my sharing of the suicide attempts I've been through, the heart-wrenching anxiety that I've lived with for most of my life, and the depressions that I've gotten through, that I've been through quite a lot in my 35 years of life.  A whole lot.  Most people don't go through any of this stuff for their whole lives, and it's all happened to me.  

Then, I got thankful.  I realized that I have LIVED through everything.  I am indeed alive and thriving now.  Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and I seem to get more thankful every year.  As I was telling Betsy about how my relationship with my wife got started, and all of the craziness that we've been through together, and about how many times I tried to break up with her in the beginning because of anxiety I wouldn't wish on anyone.  I realized that the thing I am most thankful for this year (and every day) is my amazing wife.  

She is my rock, my encourager, my best friend, my life partner, the other mother to our fur-kids, and the best person I know.  I am thankful that she stuck with me through so many things, and I'm thankful that hopefully we had most of our bad, strained moments in the beginning of our relationship, and now we know we can get through anything together.  I am thankful for our wonderful life, our amazing fur-sons who are the light of our lives, our little one-bedroom apartment, our health, our continued happiness, and the fact that I am doing so much better and living well with mental illness thanks to my wife.  On Thursday, and everyday, I have so much to be thankful for.

You Are Not Alone

You are not alone. These four words are perhaps the most wanted-to-hear words in the world.

You are not alone. Whether you have an illness, disease, disability, or are in a situation that you don't want to be in, these words are powerful. 

You are not alone conveys to the person you are speaking to that, perhaps you have been there yourself and you understand what they are going through. It can also convey the sense of community (even if that community is only made up of you and them). It can also let them know that you love them, have faith in them, have knowledge about their illness or situation, and have hope that they can get better and understand their specific illness to better cope with it. It can also tell them that you will be with them as they persevere in their fight against something, or in their learning how to cope. 

When you say these four "magic" words, you are giving of yourself, your time, and your life to help a person in a big way. Just by saying these words, you are letting someone know that they have someone to walk with them, and hope for them. 

You are giving them life. 

I want to tell everyone who has a mental illness that you are not alone.  I've been there.  I may not have your specific illness, but I understand what you're going through.  I understand the stigma.  I definitely get that.  I have been helped and so I'm willing to help you in any way I can.  I get it.  You don't have the explain anything to me if you don't want to.  Or you can talk about it all you want.  

I want you to know that you are part of a much larger community and that there is help, hope, and "magic" in my words to you.  

You are not alone.  You are my friend, and my comrade, and I am glad to help you get better.

Thank you, Janet!

Today is my last appointment with my therapist, Janet.  This is the thank you note I wrote her and am giving her today.

Dear Janet,

There just are no words for how much you have affected my life and how you've helped me to change and live well with my illnesses.  I will try to do my best to find words, though. 

Thank you doesn't seem like enough, but I will start there.  Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you for your listening heart, your words of wisdom, your advice about so many things.  Thank you for believing in me, for always finding the good in me.  Thank you for allowing me to yell, cry, use bad words, and get mad. 

You are the first and only therapist that I've ever stuck with for any real length of time.  I can't believe that I have been your client for 8 years!  The only reason for that is because you have cared about and helped me almost more than anyone ever has.

You are one of the most wonderful people I've ever met.  You are kind, caring, and funny.  

You totally "get" me, and only a couple people really get me.  Thank you for working with me for 8 years in order to "get" me.  

Thank you for helping me overcome my irrational thoughts, behaviors, and attitudes.  Thank you for helping me to realize that having Bipolar, Anxiety, and Borderline Personality Disorder are not things that are shameful, and do not define me as a person.  Thank you for getting me to the point where I don't have symptoms very much anymore, and when I do, I can handle them.  Thank you for getting me  to the place where I can help others and share my story of living well with mental illness.  You were the first person to actually help me to know that it was possible, and then you diligently helped me get there.  Thank you for giving me coping skills.  Thank you for being open when I asked you about being a lesbian yourself, and for sharing in Stacey's and my wedding day almost 6 years ago.  Without you, I would not have been able to be her wife and be in a relationship.

Just thank you for being you and for working with me and helping me all these years.  

I will keep emailing you every once in a while to keep you up-to-date on what is happening with us.  I hope that you enjoy retirement and do everything you've wanted to do all these years that you haven't been able to do because of work.

Thank you for being a big part of my life.  I will miss you so much.

Why I'm thankful for the Semicolon Project

My story isn't over yet.  

It's such a simple sentence, but yet it has so much meaning.  

For me, I'm so glad my story isn't over yet! I'm glad that I still get to experience life, after all of the suicide attempts I have made over the years. 

My first attempt was at the age of 14, and it landed me in a psychiatric hospital for a week. I got a diagnosis of Major Depression, left the hospital, and continued on with life.  

When I was 20 years old, living away from home for the first time, it all came crashing down.  I was suicidal and told the college counselor.  That landed me in a psychiatric hospital again, and I was in and out of hospitals for about 7 months.  

I tried to make it on my own.  I went back to school and got a job, but it was all just too much and I became depressed and suicidal again.  

This time, I shot myself.  Yes, you read that right,  I shot myself. 

I went to a group home for 2 years after that, and I was correctly diagnosed with Bipolar, Anxiety, and BPD.  I made lots of other attempts, but, to my happiness now, I survived.

Since June of 2006, I haven't attempted suicide again.

I met Stace and love our life together.  

I will wear this bracelet with pride that I have survived and am grateful for every single day now (even bad days).  

I couldn't have asked for a better life now!  My story truly isn't over yet.