Truly thankful

Yesterday I was at my new therapist's office (in her house), meeting her for only the second time.  I had been with my other, now retired, therapist for eight years.  I sat there telling this new person all about my life, what I've been through and how I'm recovering now.  She asked me questions to get me talking (not like I need help with that...I am quite the talker), going from topic to topic, and I readily told her anything she wanted to know.  She is getting to know me, after all. 

I realized in my sharing of the suicide attempts I've been through, the heart-wrenching anxiety that I've lived with for most of my life, and the depressions that I've gotten through, that I've been through quite a lot in my 35 years of life.  A whole lot.  Most people don't go through any of this stuff for their whole lives, and it's all happened to me.  

Then, I got thankful.  I realized that I have LIVED through everything.  I am indeed alive and thriving now.  Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and I seem to get more thankful every year.  As I was telling Betsy about how my relationship with my wife got started, and all of the craziness that we've been through together, and about how many times I tried to break up with her in the beginning because of anxiety I wouldn't wish on anyone.  I realized that the thing I am most thankful for this year (and every day) is my amazing wife.  

She is my rock, my encourager, my best friend, my life partner, the other mother to our fur-kids, and the best person I know.  I am thankful that she stuck with me through so many things, and I'm thankful that hopefully we had most of our bad, strained moments in the beginning of our relationship, and now we know we can get through anything together.  I am thankful for our wonderful life, our amazing fur-sons who are the light of our lives, our little one-bedroom apartment, our health, our continued happiness, and the fact that I am doing so much better and living well with mental illness thanks to my wife.  On Thursday, and everyday, I have so much to be thankful for.

You Are Not Alone

You are not alone. These four words are perhaps the most wanted-to-hear words in the world.

You are not alone. Whether you have an illness, disease, disability, or are in a situation that you don't want to be in, these words are powerful. 

You are not alone conveys to the person you are speaking to that, perhaps you have been there yourself and you understand what they are going through. It can also convey the sense of community (even if that community is only made up of you and them). It can also let them know that you love them, have faith in them, have knowledge about their illness or situation, and have hope that they can get better and understand their specific illness to better cope with it. It can also tell them that you will be with them as they persevere in their fight against something, or in their learning how to cope. 

When you say these four "magic" words, you are giving of yourself, your time, and your life to help a person in a big way. Just by saying these words, you are letting someone know that they have someone to walk with them, and hope for them. 

You are giving them life. 

I want to tell everyone who has a mental illness that you are not alone.  I've been there.  I may not have your specific illness, but I understand what you're going through.  I understand the stigma.  I definitely get that.  I have been helped and so I'm willing to help you in any way I can.  I get it.  You don't have the explain anything to me if you don't want to.  Or you can talk about it all you want.  

I want you to know that you are part of a much larger community and that there is help, hope, and "magic" in my words to you.  

You are not alone.  You are my friend, and my comrade, and I am glad to help you get better.

Thank you, Janet!

Today is my last appointment with my therapist, Janet.  This is the thank you note I wrote her and am giving her today.

Dear Janet,

There just are no words for how much you have affected my life and how you've helped me to change and live well with my illnesses.  I will try to do my best to find words, though. 

Thank you doesn't seem like enough, but I will start there.  Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you for your listening heart, your words of wisdom, your advice about so many things.  Thank you for believing in me, for always finding the good in me.  Thank you for allowing me to yell, cry, use bad words, and get mad. 

You are the first and only therapist that I've ever stuck with for any real length of time.  I can't believe that I have been your client for 8 years!  The only reason for that is because you have cared about and helped me almost more than anyone ever has.

You are one of the most wonderful people I've ever met.  You are kind, caring, and funny.  

You totally "get" me, and only a couple people really get me.  Thank you for working with me for 8 years in order to "get" me.  

Thank you for helping me overcome my irrational thoughts, behaviors, and attitudes.  Thank you for helping me to realize that having Bipolar, Anxiety, and Borderline Personality Disorder are not things that are shameful, and do not define me as a person.  Thank you for getting me to the point where I don't have symptoms very much anymore, and when I do, I can handle them.  Thank you for getting me  to the place where I can help others and share my story of living well with mental illness.  You were the first person to actually help me to know that it was possible, and then you diligently helped me get there.  Thank you for giving me coping skills.  Thank you for being open when I asked you about being a lesbian yourself, and for sharing in Stacey's and my wedding day almost 6 years ago.  Without you, I would not have been able to be her wife and be in a relationship.

Just thank you for being you and for working with me and helping me all these years.  

I will keep emailing you every once in a while to keep you up-to-date on what is happening with us.  I hope that you enjoy retirement and do everything you've wanted to do all these years that you haven't been able to do because of work.

Thank you for being a big part of my life.  I will miss you so much.

Why I'm thankful for the Semicolon Project

My story isn't over yet.  

It's such a simple sentence, but yet it has so much meaning.  

For me, I'm so glad my story isn't over yet! I'm glad that I still get to experience life, after all of the suicide attempts I have made over the years. 

My first attempt was at the age of 14, and it landed me in a psychiatric hospital for a week. I got a diagnosis of Major Depression, left the hospital, and continued on with life.  

When I was 20 years old, living away from home for the first time, it all came crashing down.  I was suicidal and told the college counselor.  That landed me in a psychiatric hospital again, and I was in and out of hospitals for about 7 months.  

I tried to make it on my own.  I went back to school and got a job, but it was all just too much and I became depressed and suicidal again.  

This time, I shot myself.  Yes, you read that right,  I shot myself. 

I went to a group home for 2 years after that, and I was correctly diagnosed with Bipolar, Anxiety, and BPD.  I made lots of other attempts, but, to my happiness now, I survived.

Since June of 2006, I haven't attempted suicide again.

I met Stace and love our life together.  

I will wear this bracelet with pride that I have survived and am grateful for every single day now (even bad days).  

I couldn't have asked for a better life now!  My story truly isn't over yet.

Best Buddies

I am going to be a Best Buddy.  I signed up and now I am just waiting for the interviews, background check, and matching processes to proceed and I will be a Buddy!

"Best Buddies" is an organization that matches one-on-one friendships for people with intellectual and/ or developmental disabilities to a "buddy" who does not.  To be a Best Buddy, you need to spend time with the person twice a month and make contact with them once a week for at least a year.

I will be a Best Buddy to someone with Down Syndrome.  Why did I choose for my buddy to have Down Syndrome?  Because people with DS are angels on earth to me.  

After my aunt had a bad encounter with a person with DS when I was very young, I was afraid of those with DS.  But, that didn't last long, and I figured out that people with DS are the most kind-hearted people on the planet.

For a long time, I wanted to adopt a child with Down Syndrome.  I didn't want to have a "typical" child.  I wanted to specifically parent a child with DS because I always see all the good things that people with DS can do and what awesome people they are.  When I met my wife, I was still struggling with Bipolar and Anxiety, and even though I'm doing much better today, we have decided to just parent our dogs instead.  But, the thought still lingers.  

One reason why I love people with DS is because I love their features. Male or female, they are absolutely the most beautiful people to me.  They have the most generous and accepting souls I've ever known.  

I know that people with DS have the same emotions, feelings, and moods as the rest of us, but there's really just a wonderfulness about them that makes me want to be around them.

I don't really have any friends, other than on Facebook and through a computer screen, and I've always longed to have a friend with DS. So, I'm going to be a Best Buddy.

I'm very excited to be a part of this person's life and have them be a part of mine.  It is something that I've always wanted and now it's going to happen.  And I'm thrilled!

Rest In Peace, Tommy

I haven't talked to my family, except my sister via Facebook messenger, and my mother via email, in six years.  On Tuesday, my sister sent me a message that my cousin, Tommy, took his own life early that morning.  She wanted to let me know, and she told me that he wrote his last words on his Facebook page. I saw that it was public, so I read it.  He was 32 years old.  A veteran of Afghanistan.  He suffered with mental illness, namely severe depression and substance abuse, for many years.  I had thought that he was better now.  That is the last I had heard about him.  I didn't have any reason to think otherwise.  

Mental illness runs in my family on my mother's side.  Tommy was my mother's brother's son.  His father, my uncle, struggled with alcoholism for many years, but got well and has been living a wonderful life for a very long time.  Until now.  Tommy's services are today, and I can't even imagine the heartbreak that my uncle and his family are going through right now.   

In my family, it was always me who was really struggling with mental illness. I attempted to kill myself about five times.  Now that I am well, I am so glad that I did not succeed any of those times.  I understand what it's like to be suicidal, to think that the only way out is to end your life.  He said in his final words that he was sorry to anyone he had hurt.  He said that he didn't want to hurt anyone anymore.  The thing is, he never hurt anyone so much that they couldn't forgive him.  He was a great guy.  He didn't hurt anyone so much that he needed to take his own life.  He also said that he wanted to stop hurting himself, and that he was severely depressed and could not conquer substance abuse.  I believe that he just didn't want to hurt anymore, and that's why he took his own life.  

And, although I am far removed from the situation, it hurts because I totally get all of it, and I am probably the only person in my family who truly gets it.  But my family knows what it's like to be on the other side of a suicidal person.

I feel terrible for my uncle and his family, and I feel bad for my own mother.  No, I don't talk to her much anymore, but she and I both know that she could have been in this same situation years ago when I was trying to end my own life.  She could have been the grieving parent that my uncle and aunt and Tommy's mom are now.

There are no words to express how sorry I am to my family.  And even if I could come up with some, my family wouldn't be helped by them.  I haven't talked with them in so long.

I can only say that I completely understand why you chose to end your life, Tommy.  I wish you hadn't done it, because you were such a great guy and you had so much to live for.  You are indeed loved by many, including me.

I want to end by saying that if you are struggling and think that ending your life is the only way out, PLEASE get some help!  The National Suicide Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. They have compassionate, trained volunteers who will not judge you, but will offer you support and help!  Or call someone, anyone, who can help you.  In the comments of Tommy's suicide post, there were tons of people who offered to help him and talk to him.  

Rest in peace, Thomas Ladd.

Normal isn't just a setting on a washing machine to me

I am a very fortunate person. I don't take any day for granted, because I am so grateful to be feeling the way I almost always feel these days- normal.  

Many people don't understand what it's like to FINALLY feel normal after so many years of being sick, suicidal, not comfortable in my own skin, anxious, freaking out all the time, and depressed or hypomanic every second of the day.  And I DO mean every second of the day. 

It was torture, truly. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

About three years ago, I started to feel better.  I had been married to my wife for two and a half years at that point, and was totally and truly okay with myself being a lesbian and happy in my relationship with her.  We had come a long way since the beginning of when we first started dating.  Our marriage was so much better than it had been and I was so happy about that.

The first thing that really helped was that the medication I was on really worked, and then I decided to go on a meditation retreat.  I had seen a documentary about Vipassana Meditation on the Oprah Winfrey Network and I knew it was something I wanted to try.  I found a center about an hour from my house and signed up to go for ten days in June of 2012.  It was rigorous, but it was only sitting and meditating and I was allowed to go at my own pace.  

I only stayed for 8 days, but it was great!  When I came home, I felt so much better, like my head wasn't buzzing as much and my thoughts weren't racing anymore.  I was able to focus better.  It was amazing.

Then, I took up running. I started out slow, with just a training program of couch to 5k and that helped me so much, too.  I eventually got to where I was able to run/ walk a half marathon (13.1 miles) and eventually ran 8 of them in about two years time.  The serotonin and endorphins that were released when I ran really helped me have better, more stable moods.

In August of 2014, I was feeling so much better that I decided to volunteer with NAMI with the In Our Own Voice program.  I go to various places like colleges and hospitals and give presentations of how I am living well with Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder.  

During these years, I was in therapy, taking my meds responsibly, and had decided to stop communicating with my toxic family, and I have been getting better every single day since 2012.  

It was not easy, and I had to stop working outside of the house to do it, but I am living well now.  It took a lot of work, and my wife has been by my side the whole time.  

When I say that I've been there in my presentations, or just to people in general, I really mean it.  I've been to hell and made it back.  It was totally worth it, too.